Hockey is a scream Part II

Last night the Penguins played the Islanders. The game went into overtime and then a shootout. A player whose last name is Satan beat the Penguins in the shootout. Therefore, one could rightfully blame the Devil for the Penguins' loss.

NHL hockey may be the only sport in which your team can routinely have a crack at defeating the Devil. Your team gets to play the New Jersey Devils, as well as Miroslav Satan. In addition, there is a real live Devil in NHL hockey. His name is Jacques Lemaire and he is the head coach of the Minnesota Wild. Jacques Lemaire had a great influence on NHL hockey which almost destroyed it. Many rules had to be changed to save NHL hockey from Jacques Lemaire's destructive influence. And when did Jacques Lemaire do this evil? When he was head coach of the New Jersey Devils.

If I haven't convinced you yet that NHL is an absolute riot and that you should learn to like it, you will probably tell me you will like it when Hell freezes over. Well, Hell HAS frozen over. NHL hockey is played on the ice, and that's where you will find the Devil, whether in the image of Jacques Lemaire, Miroslav Satan, or the New Jersey Devils.

Hockey is a Scream!

The Penguins have lost some ten-odd games in a row. But into Pittsburgh stomps Godzilla, the goaltender who can't beat the Penguins. When the Penguins are at the end of their rope, eventually Godzilla will amble into the Burgh to save the day.

You think hockey isn't an absolute riot? Well, you should have watched last night's game from the Mellon Arena. Olaf Kolzig aka Ollie the Goalie aka Godzilla himself is a piece of work that will get you laughing. You see, no one knows where the hell he is from. His parents were German citizens. But he was born in South Africa. But he grew up and went to school in Canada playing hockey. But his nickname is Japanese. But he plays for the United States capitol's team and has married an American.

He wanted to be in the Olympics. Big problem. South Africa doesn't have an ice hockey team! But he's not a Canadian citizen. So, he becomes the Olympic goaltender for the German team. It's not clear the dude has ever been to Germany. He gets into the NHL all-star game. At that time, the format is North America vs. the World. Where do you put Ollie? Is he American, Canadian, South African, German, Japanese? Finally, they gave up and put him on the World team.

You may know that in hockey, when the same player scores three goals, it is called a hat trick. It is acceptable for fans to throw their hats on the ice to celebrate. The fans do not get the hats back. They are picked up or swept up and carted off the ice.

Last night, the first Penguin player, Mark Recchi, scored a hat trick. Naturally, with the Penguins having lost about 10 in a row, hats flew from all corners of the rink. As they were gathering up dozens of hats, it was determined the puck hit another player on the way in to the net. No hat trick. Dozens of hats parted with in vain. Then John LeClair scored a hat trick. Whatever hats remained in the crowd flew to the ice and were rounded up. As this was happening, it was determined the puck hit some defenseman who is not even expected to score goals on the way in to the net. This fellow thus got his first NHL goal, and another hat trick was nullified.

By the time the score was 6-1, Mike Lange yelled, "And ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has just left the building." Two more goals were scored after Elvis left. Normally, you can expect to see Ollie for about one period, then he is booted from the ice and replaced. But the Capitols seem to have accepted their fate at the hands of the Penguins. Ollie was simply expected to cowboy up and hang in there for the beating. It ended up 8-1.

We have had a very warm winter here, but this was one of those rare cold days with blowing wind and snow and below-freezing temperatures and punishing wind chills. Many a Penguin fan left happy with the resounding victory but miserable after having lost their hat in vain.