My Friend's Marriage

I heard from my friend in the middle of the night. I now have heard from her twice today because she has free cell phone minutes on the weekend. I am not feeling too interested in going to either church this weekend because of this, and it remains to be seen if I will go. The one church is conservative and believes in the sanctity of marriage. The other church is liberal, so gay men and lesbians who love each other are struggling to have the right to marry. Both churches, in their own way, are focusing on keeping couples together. At the liberal church, they are so focused on the rights of same gender couples to marry that I think the fact that it is RIGHT for some marriages to break up gets drowned out. For example, people at our church know and feel close to Rev. Janet Edwards, a minister in trouble with the Presbytery for blessing a lesbian marriage.

The reason I am not feeling too much like being in this atmosphere is that I don’t think my friend should stay married. I think she should get a divorce. No one should have to live like this. No one should have to stay in a marriage without any physical love in which the one partner is trying to hold on and maintain total control. I feel that I can put my own subjective feelings aside, and when considering this logically, I can say that I do not believe it is right for my friend to stay in this marriage. This marriage is bad and wrong. I have discussed my friend’s problems with others. I talked to Bobbie about them today. Bobbie is religious and goes to my church. Bobbie feels my friend must get out of the marriage. Other religious people aren’t so sure. I have a very religious gay male friend in California who thinks they should talk and try to work it out. If church says that my friend should stay in this marriage, I am beginning to think that CHURCH has to go.

I remember this happening a lot when I was a kid. I remember Catholics in horrible marriages who ended up quitting the church rather than stay in their marriage. Up until now, I have told my friend I am here for her. But now, I am beginning to feel that I am doing wrong and sinning by offering any support that allows this marriage to continue. I think this marriage is a sin, and I DO NOT believe God thinks this marriage is right. If my friend gets out, and there is no one else to support her emotionally (she’ll be okay financially), who knows what will happen? I have thought seriously about this. This marriage is wrong, and I feel very strongly about it. I am wrong to believe in any way that this marriage should continue. If I become an enabler of this marriage in any way, I am doing wrong. I am doing something which is against my own conscience. I feel so strongly about this that if church is going to try to change my mind, then church is going to have to be WITHOUT ME for awhile!

I'm Different But I'm Not

Wednesday I went to visit my mother in the nursing home. It is over 30 miles from home. The drive is beautiful, and it’s a good place. I don’t have to worry about the care she is getting. This is the first time she’s been in a facility that can handle her care. I try to get other errands done along the way. I stop for gas at Giant Eagle’s Get Go and get thirty cents off a gallon, which is not something insignificant. Sometimes I try to get some things at the Wal-Mart. I do my grocery shopping on the way home. While at the nursing home, it is not easy. My mother is very out of it and anxious. On Wednesday she got it in her head she needed to get out of her wheelchair and take off. She can’t do that, because she will fall and possibly injure herself. People do walk her every day, but she has to stay in the wheelchair or bed with an alarm on. I had to leave quite suddenly because it was obvious she would not stay put if I stayed there. It is hard having to travel all this way and back to see her and spend time with her as well and to have to do this several times a week. I had a taste of doing this with a full-time job. I frankly don’t know how I’m going to do it. Every day I wake up and wonder how I will ever get through life. I am so overwhelmed. And yet I’ve found life can’t just stop. I have to do something for me. I have to have some friendship. I have to go to church. I have to have some activities in my life. But every day I wonder how long before it all comes crashing down?
I walked the dogs and jogged a mile that night. I want to get it up to three miles plus the dogs. Before, my jogging was all I had. It was the only thing I did for me. I did it to survive. I knew I could not get through without the jogging, and slowly, I got to where I could go miles. At one point, I actually did two half-marathons. Then I shifted gears a bit and got into 5 and 6 miles over extremely steep hills. I had a lot of pride in myself for conquering hills that absolutely no one else in the area will jog up. Now with the heat and with my friend’s problems, I’m trying to adjust to night jogging for awhile.

Yesterday I did have to take time out for some of my activities. I took my friend Bobbie to the TransFamily of Cleveland meeting. I had a great time there. I saw several people I’d gotten close to. I’ve met a new trans friend who is a Lutheran but is also drawn to Buddhism. I introduced her to a female-to-male Lutheran so he could get her into the LGBT Lutheran organization. Now I have one trans friend who understands my Buddhist leanings and another who understands my Hindu past. The Hindu is also a Mormon and the Buddhist is also a Lutheran. I’m a Buddhist-Hindu-Presbyterian! I ran into the female-to-male transsexual Presbyterian. He is so excited about Erin’s upcoming visit to Pittsburgh and we talked a lot about that. Bobbie really hit it off with Karen and some other people. She really enjoyed herself.

After the meeting, Bobbie and I went to visit the friend who calls me in the middle of the night with her problems. We went to visit her where she lives and works—in the middle of the night, of course! They hit it off, and I was so glad to see my friend in person. I was so impressed with her job and where she works. I was so glad to finally share that with her. Now I have a huge job cleaning up my house so she can visit and so that Bobbie can visit. I’ll keep writing about my struggles on my blog, since the blog sure helped me take care of my Presbyterian problems!

You know, I am an unusual person. I do go to a very liberal Presbyterian church each Sunday, I know a lot of gay and lesbian people, and I know a LOT of transgender people. I may seem different. But I’m not. I’m just a middle-aged woman with the same struggles as many other women and many other people. I struggle with housework. I struggle with job-hunting. I struggle to find time to exercise. I am not terribly obese, but I do have a constant struggle with my weight. I struggle with an elderly parent problem. I struggle with menopause. I am different but I’m not. I may know some pretty unique people who are not generally accepted by society, but I’m really just another feminine, middle-aged lady who is overwhelmed, and there are so many other people out there like me.

Hot Weather, Friends with Problems, Etc.

It has been way too hot. Over 90. I have a friend with problems who calls me in the middle of the night to talk about them. I'm not sure with this heat there is any time during the day I could stand to jog anyway. Naturally, with my friend calling in the middle of the night, I can't get up at the crack of dawn to jog. So my jogging has gone to hell. Anyway, I realized eventually I had to do something about that. Because my friend with the problems usually doesn't even get going until 11 p.m., I had been walking my dogs, then talking to her. As the problems cause her to get going even later, I got the idea I could jog at night. There are two options here for jogging at night. It's safe out here. The problem you have to worry about is being hit by a car. One option for jogging at night is Elizabeth-Forward High School. The track is lit till 9 or 10 and there are lights around the school. After work, in the summer, it starts to be a community atmosphere. People show up to walk. Sometimes there are school activities. However, this year, not so. They tore up the track and are putting in a new one. Also, in the paper, people are complaining about too many weeds to run or walk around the school. There are women who come alone at 10 and 11 at night to run around the school. So it is very safe out here. But that option is out this year. There is a side road near where I live which is about a mile long. So I have to be satisfied with that for night jogging. I jogged one mile last night and want to get it up to about 3 miles. I'm afraid I'd be bored after that. Normally I like to jog 4 1/2 - 6 miles over very steep hills and tough courses. Anyway, while I'm going through the stuff with my friend and the extreme heat, I'm going to try to walk the dogs plus do 3 miles a night. That will give me 5 or 6 miles a day. I'll try to keep this routine up for a few weeks while I am sorting out my housekeeping problems, job hunting problems, and my friend's problems. When the weather cools off, if this even happens before I get back to work, I can then maybe jog later in the morning. I'm hoping this routine will help me get a bit more in shape again and help me deal with the house cleaning, job hunting, and my friend's problems.

Support

Well, this blog really helped me reassimilate into the Presbyterian Church. I don't know how I would have gotten through it without this blog. Now I'm hoping it will help me with two much more unpleasant tasks, becoming a good housekeeper and finding a job.

Well, I got started today. It wasn't easy. I would see something that looked icky, and I'd clean it. It is over 90 degrees. I'm hoping to get working on the car when it's cooler this evening. But I did start. I'd see something like a wooden table, and instead of just wiping it off with a wipe, I got out the oil soap and scrubbed it. I started to get to a few things I'd neglected for months. I told myself, not only do I have to do this. I have to do this from now on. I basically have to face the fact that I am going to spend a large percentage of my life doing housework. On top of that, I am going to have to get a job I am probably not crazy about.

Well, let's hope this blog helps me get through it as well as it did with the Presbyterian Church!

Reality Sets In

Now that my church problems seem to be resolved, reality has set in. Although I live way out in the boondocks and will not likely be holding the next Dessert with the Preacher, I am going to have a guest from time to time. The reality that, at the decrepit and menopausal age of 52 ½, I must now become the Fly Lady and clean up my messy house has begun to set in. I will really need church now, because if I have to do housework, I will be convinced I have already died and been sent the wrong way.

I have one friend who lives in Ohio who wants to visit sometimes. My friend Bobbie from Sixth Presbyterian definitely wants to visit. She lives in a dark apartment in downtown Pittsburgh and needs to get out into the country. Besides, she is now accepted, invited, welcomed, and wanted at Round Hill Church on Saturday nights. She loves Triple B Farms. She could visit me and it’s only four miles from here. Donna would probably also like to visit. All have been warned about all the cats and dogs. Bobbie’s apartment’s pretty messy, so she won’t be too judgmental. Also, the smells. You would never in your wildest dreams believe this about me, but I now have two close friends who are smokers! Since their places smell like smoke, they will probably be more tolerant of my place smelling like a litter box.

Well, I’ve just started on the kitchen. I think I’m going to need lots of support and sympathy as I transition into a housekeeper! I’ll keep you posted!