Rest in Peace, Terri

This one time, I’m going to break my rule about limiting my blog to one post per day. First of all, may Terri Schiavo rest in peace. I am glad she is out of her misery and in Heaven. I pray that somehow there will be reconciliation in her family, although I know that’s a lot to ask. Rev. Jesse Jackson, although I didn’t agree with him on this one issue, said all things are possible with God, and I believe that too.

Again, if I end up in a condition like Terri’s, where there is no hope for my recovery, please don’t keep me alive by extraordinary means. I think I would prefer to be cremated, but I’m not going to insist on it. Since I just started going to the Sixth Presbyterian Church, and I haven’t met a lot of people there, if something happened to me in the near future, I am sure Rev. Meek would be asked to speak at my funeral at Bekavac’s. Rev. Meek is a dear, sweet man, and he did ask around about my dad and try to give a talk which represented the truth about my dad. But Rev. Meek doesn’t know too much about me, so a good thing to do would be to print out my blog and have it available for people to look at at the funeral home. I don’t want someone portraying me as some conservative religious person. I’m religious, but I’m very liberal politically. I hope some of my funds would be used to take care of and find homes for my pets. I also would hope someone would speak to the neighbors at my feral cat colony or to the Homeless Cat Management Team in Pittsburgh so that my feral cats would be fed and given water. They should be able to find plenty of shelter in the abandoned homes in the neighborhood. There are six of them in particular who depend on me.

Thank you, and thank you to Terri, for prompting me to make my final wishes known. Rest in peace, Terri, and enjoy your eternal life in Heaven. You are safe and at peace now.

Michael Jackson Trial

For months and months, I have been trying to figure out what I think about Michael Jackson. I even considered that I might be the ideal juror for his trial, because I just could not figure out what I thought. For years, accusations of illicit relationships with young boys have dogged Michael; yet a most unlikely person such as Donald Trump takes his side. Tom Snedden certainly seemed to be out to get Michael, and it sounded personal. The mother and the accuser in the trial have been made out to be very controversial and worthy of suspicion. So I just could not figure this all out! Finally, I decided to really try to come to a decision about what I thought. The decision I came to said more about me than it did about Michael! I concluded that I thought they were all a pack of liars. Michael was lying about molesting boys; Snedden was lying about his intentions toward Michael; the accuser’s family is lying. When I realized what I thought about this trial, I got to thinking about myself. Am I just a very cynical person who doesn’t believe or trust anyone? I went deeper into this. If you’ve read anything else on my blog, you will know that I have done many terrible things, I am a sinner, and I have a lot to repent for. We are all sinners. And we are all human. All of us have skeletons in our closet. So it’s natural for me to look at Michael, Snedden, and the accusers as imperfect human beings with skeletons in their closets. I will have to admit that Michael, Snedden, and the accusers all seem sleazier than the average person to me. But my basic belief that we all have a dark side and we all have something to hide has found fertile soil in this trial where every party involved arouses suspicion.

How Much Does One Population Have to Suffer?

"…for residents of ravaged Banda Aceh, no warning system was needed after they felt the quake and headed for higher ground…At the city's biggest refugee camp, a voice on loudspeaker later announced that there was no tsunami. This time, the voice said, people could return to their tents."

This quote, from the end of an article by Michael Casey of the Associated Press, "Death Toll Could Go Up to 2,000, Official Says Heavy Damage on Island of Nias, But Tsunami Fears Subside" says it all. People who have already lost everything, who are living in TENTS in a refugee camp, run to higher ground in terror as another enormous quake of unimaginable intensity strikes again, so soon after the first. People run to save all that’s left—their lives—and return to the only thing they have to return to—their tents, which they only have through the generosity of compassionate strangers who have donated money to help them.

I can’t imagine what these people have been through. I was in a 7.1 earthquake, the October 1989 quake in San Francisco. Luckily, I was outside at the time. I’m a baseball fan, so I left work at 5 on the dot to go home to watch the World Series on TV. The quake struck at 5:04. It was frightening enough to experience it outside. I felt that a freight train was headed straight for me, yet there were no tracks in the area. The wires on telephone poles whipped up and down, the street signs flapped; it was shaky and noisy. The offices where I worked were destroyed. My boss’ typewriter was flung across the room. A coworker who had not left the office told me she had hidden under my desk. People who had not left the office that day thought that they were going to die. Everyone inside a building that day thought it was all over. And that was a 7.1 quake. The December 26 quake measured 9.0, and the new quake measured 8.7! So it is hard for me to imagine the terror these people felt.

"A powerful earthquake struck off Indonesia's west coast late Monday, killing scores of people whose homes collapsed on them and spreading panic across the Indian Ocean that another killer tsunami was on the way. Indonesia's vice president predicted up to 2,000 deaths," the article begins. The new quake killed more people. Homes that survived or were rebuilt finally succumbed and took lives that had made it through the first quake. The new quake terrorized the entire Indian Ocean coast once again and sent people running for their lives. The article states that a tsunami warning was broadcast in Sri Lanka, and people were urged to flee to higher ground. Two people in Sri Lanka were killed while trying to evacuate in panic. Tsunami alerts were sounded in six countries after the latest quake, the article reports. "Women clutching children ran into the darkened streets of Banda Aceh, crying and chanting ‘Allahu Akbar,’ or ‘God is Great.’ … Another man rushed instead to the local mosque, saying ‘Where can I go, you can't outrun a tsunami.’ "

We are fortunate that this time many agencies, personnel, and supplies are on the ground because of the first quake. It will be easier to reach the victims of this quake faster. I feel a lot of sympathy for all the survivors of both quakes and the tsunami. I pray that I can find a good temp job next time so I can save up some money to donate to these people.

Terri Schiavo

Today I want to talk about another aspect of this situation which hasn’t been discussed very much. I want to talk about Terri before this happened to her. Terri apparently suffered this massive heart attack from an electrolyte imbalance caused by bulimia. I am particularly interested in this aspect of her life, because I had a bout with a different eating disorder, anorexia. During the worst period of my anorexia, I attended a large support group which included anorexics, bulimics, compulsive overeaters, and their family members and significant others. There were bulimics in the group who were very seriously ill with this disease. All of these eating disorders, incidentally, are mental illnesses and are not due primarily to dieting or gluttony. From what I observed in this group, Terri had to have been very seriously bulimic and had a very bad case of this to cause such a serious electrolyte imbalance that she would have a massive heart attack. Granted, I suffered from anorexia. I was extremely ill, mentally and physically, but don’t think I was anywhere near suffering a heart attack from an electrolyte imbalance.

What puzzles me is that I hear very little about Terri’s struggle with bulimia. I realize that bulimics try very hard to hide their illness. Maybe Terri was able to hide it from her parents. I find it hard to believe she could hide it from Michael. Maybe she did succeed, but from what I learned from the significant others in the eating disorders support group, they went through hell with a bulimic loved one. It’s just very hard to believe it when Michael talks about their perfect, wonderful marriage. I can’t believe this guy did not go through hell with a seriously bulimic wife. Or did he and he’s just somewhat in denial now?

What makes me much sadder than the current situation is the fact that maybe Terri could have been helped before any of this happened. Terri obviously needed a lot of psychological help. It upsets me to think of her deprived of the help she needed when it most counted. I feel very emotional when I think of what she went through and what family members might also have gone through with her. I would be the last one to judge Michael or her family if they just didn’t know what to do. My mother is severely depressed and has severe anxiety. I’m not professionally qualified to help her, and I haven’t always known what to do, where to turn, what kind of help to seek. Most people had no idea what to do when I was anorexic. I feel sad that Terri was severely bulimic, that she and her family suffered over this, that we as a society failed her by not getting her the help she needed, or that, maybe worst of all, she was so sick with this illness that she couldn’t be helped.

My Living Will, Terri Schiavo, etc.

This is my blog, people know it's my blog, I believe in God, hopefully I'm saved and will go to Heaven, so PUHLEEEEEEEZ! If I ever end up anything like Terri Schiavo, DO NOT keep me alive on a FEEDING TUBE! Please do NOT get

• The president
• The Congress
• The Governor
• The Supreme Court

INVOLVED! PULL THE PLUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKAY, IT'S IN WRITING!

Cruel to remove the feeding tube from Terri? I think it's just the opposite. I think it's cruel to force this woman to live in this condition. All the people who want to force this woman to live, ask them if they would want to live in this condition. How many of them would answer yes? Forget what the parents say, or what the husband says; it's common sense! Just ask yourself, if you could have talked to Terri while she was alive and healthy and asked her if she would want to be kept alive on the feeding tube for years in this condition, what would she tell you? I think you know the answer. People who want to keep this woman alive are doing this for themselves and not out of compassion for her. It's too bad the government is so interested in forcing this woman to live instead of caring about all the poor, hungry people in this country and in the world and all the people who are suffering because of the bad economy.

Easter 2005

It is a beautiful but chilly morning here in extreme southern Allegheny County. Because Easter is so early this year, and because March has been cold, our sunrise service was held in the auditorium of Elizabeth-Forward High School instead of in the stadium. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives in southern Virginia. Her family’s sunrise service was on the beach!

I am very thankful, however, for the many opportunities for worship way down here in the boondocks of southwestern Pennsylvania. As I’ve learned these last few days, scurrying from one service to another, each different and each in a different location, this area needs musical talent. We need it, but we also have it. We are very blessed that a small rural church like Round Hill Presbyterian has so much musical talent. We have a young lady (Stella) with the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard in this area who sings in our band each week. Round Hill’s minister, Rev. Meek, is a guitarist and has a beautiful voice. The guitarists, pianists, and drummers are also very talented. This morning at the community sunrise service, a young lady named Lindsey, who is a talented flutist, treated us to the perfect prelude and postlude for us early morning risers who were not yet quite awake. Many more churches than last year have been involved in the services, and there is so much talent to draw on.

At the same time, I have lived in many places such as Boston, southern California, San Francisco, and France. I’ve traveled a lot, and I went to college at Boston University. I have a need for a more urban and liberal setting. I am very lucky that I met wonderful people on the internet who directed me to the Sixth Presbyterian Church in Pittsburgh, which I will attend on Sundays. It is a More Light church and satisfies my need to be a more inclusive and accepting person. This is the direction in which God is taking me. This church is located in an area of town which feels like home to me: Squirrel Hill. I speak Russian, and I love the Russian language, a language which is widely spoken in Squirrel Hill by the many Russian-speaking immigrants who live there. I’m happy my childhood church, Round Hill, has so much to offer, and that I can go to a wonderful service which is a 10-minute drive away. But I’m also happy to be able to spend Sundays at a church in Squirrel Hill, which also feels like home to me.

Saturday March 26

The Lord sent me a very interesting dream last night. I have a cousin my age who owns a beauty shop. She is a very conservative Christian. I've gone to her beauty shop on and off for many years. I have long hair which I don't like to cut, so this is an issue for me. For one thing, I jog a lot, and I like being able to tie my hair up and get it out of my face. In this dream, however, I showed up at my cousin's shop to have my hair trimmed. It was early afternoon. There were no customers. My cousin had several employees available, and all the chairs were empty. I asked to have my hair trimmed. My cousin made all kinds of excuses why neither she nor her employees could do it. First, she said all appointments were booked. Then she said the shop was closing early. But the shop stayed open, and no customers showed up. So I kept pressing her, why couldn't someone trim my hair. She kept thinking up excuses. Finally, I came right out and asked. I said, "Tell me the truth. I can handle it. I want the whole truth about why no one is willing to trim my hair." She looked me in the eyes and said, "OK, Laurie, if you really want the truth..." And at that point, DARN, I woke up!

I'm thinking that perhaps this was God's way of answering me about my feelings that I'm an outcast and a reject. Anyway, I am not complaining. I think God has given me more than I deserve, much more, in spite of the fact that I've done a LOT of bad things, and I am a bit of an outcast.

One thing I have learned over this busy holiday season where I've gone to a variety of church services is that the churches in this area need musical talent. I'm talking about extreme southern Allegheny County here, not Pittsburgh itself. Way down here in southern Allegheny County, musical talent is needed in the churches. I was surprised that this was true, but it is. If there's one thing I can do, it's sing. So maybe since I'm not doing so well reaching out to people in the relationship department, perhaps I can communicate better by singing. So I'm going to start working on this.

Good Friday

I went to Maundy Thursday service last night at Round Hill. It was nice. Before communion I really tried to confess my sins and ask forgiveness and pray for those I'd hurt. I was reminded of the Catholic mass I sometimes watch on EWTN. They get to confess their sins to a priest and are clean for communion. But there's no priest in the Presbyterian Church. So I tried to be forgiven before I took communion. Today I went to the community Good Friday service at a local United Presbyterian Church. A lot of churches participate in this service. I always like to go because of that. The minister of the church that hosts this is African-American, and his wife is white. This was unheard of when I was a child. It was very segregated. Black people went to black churches, and white people went to white churches. It's great how times of changed. Now people accept an African-American minister of a white church. Interracial marriage was taboo here when I was growing up, and now it's accepted. There were many elderly people at church today who never would have accepted this when I was young. There was a minister at the service who I know used to be a segregationist and now he preaches alongside the African-American minister. There really IS hope!

I wanted to quote part of the Prayer of Confession. I really liked it and needed it: "O God, we come thoughtfully, reminded by the holiness of this day, that our sins are serious and, for You, incredibly costly...we quietly confess that we are sinful people, needing the divine forgiveness He came to provide. So self-centered, so forgetful of others' needs, so casual about our faith, so much lovers of things rather than people who love You, we pray for cleansing and for change in our lives. We thank You that You forgive and that You make us new."

I could not stay for the whole service. It's over three hours and has an intermission every half hour or so. I got to hear three ministers. One is a neighbor I run into while jogging! I really liked something the Wesleyan minister emphasized in his talk. His talk was about the fact that Jesus forgave the thief next to him on the cross and took that thief with him, entered back into heaven accompanied by a thief. I think I like Jesus so much because he cares about the rejected, because he completely accepted the rejected. I feel like one of the rejects and outcasts, so that part of Jesus' ministry while here on earth really appeals to me.

Easter season 2005

I have done some really terrible things in my life. I have asked for forgiveness. I know God has forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself. All of us are sinners, and we all continue to sin every day. But I think about all the bad things I've done and all the people I've hurt. I keep asking for forgiveness. I'm trying to think of a way to live my life to atone for everything I've done. God seems to have really been helping me in that regard. In January, my childhood church, Round Hill Presbyterian Church, started a new Saturday night service with a band. I really liked the music and the service. I've been going every week. However, they started to pass out some right-wing literature. They've since seemed to stop doing it, so maybe someone complained. I was particularly offended by literature condemning liberals, Democrats, and gay people. In the past, I would have stomped out and never come back and written them a nasty letter. But I didn't do that this time. I decided to treat them with love and find another solution for myself. I posted some things about this on liberal Christian message board. People came to my rescue. The solution turned out to be to continue at Round Hill but to also attend a the Sixth Presbyterian Church in Pittsburgh. That's the church Mr. Rogers attended. The people there are very friendly and welcoming. It is a More Light church. It's also in the Squirrel Hill section of Pittsburgh, which I love, because I speak Russian and lots of people speak Russian in that section of town. I also got a temp job which was very hard physical labor. As part of my determination, with the Lord's help, to reform and make amends, I did not complain and did the best job I could. I wasn't even sure I could do such a physical job, but found out I could, and that was good for me in the end. The people there were very nice, but I worked so hard! I'm going to church services for the next four days in different areas, but all near my home. I'll be able to go back to Sixth next weekend.