Transgender Friends - Part 6

Before I consciously decided to go out and meet transgender people, I had only had two significant encounters with them. One was a classy, educated professional who transitioned from male to female. The other was a minister. So I was not presented with any great moral dilemmas. My attitude had been to be open, an attitude that I know nothing. That enabled me to learn about these people without assumptions clouding my vision. Finally, I went out and sought a friendship which presented more challenges, but the friendship was worth it. But now, as I continued trying to meet transgender people, I realized I would have to develop a more detailed philosophy of how to conduct myself.

One thing I had to consider immediately is how I would reach out to transgender people as a Christian. What would Jesus want me do? I decided that Jesus would want to me to reach out to people who are rejected by society. He would want me to stick to my values but to not judge others. He would want me to recognize that others are adults, and it’s between them and their relationship with God to do what is right for them. In fact, if they decided not to be religious or believe in God at all, that was their right, they were adults, and it was not up to me to judge them or convert them or reject them. Jesus would want me to love them, allow them to unfold, and not maintain a standard I expected them to meet, to not condemn them.

In addition to this, I had to remember what I remembered from my friendship 20 years ago, that I am not transgender. So I don’t have the right to judge what makes them transgender, what I consider is right and wrong, real or unreal, in being transgender. So I did not have the right to give them advice about being transgender as other TG people might have the right to do. I was called to be more calm and objective than other TG friends were. If I were going to meet a lot of transgender people, I was going to see and hear many things, things which would often sound crazy to the dominant society, and I had to be ready for that.

To be continued…

Transgender Friends - Part 5

I have finished the story of my first significant encounter with a transgender person. I posted Part 4 of this yesterday. Time went by. This experience had changed me, but it got filed in some cabinet in the back of my mind until early in 2005. If you’ve read my blog, you know the story. I was having problems at church, talking about it on the internet, and a minister helped me a lot and found a solution for me. I found out this minister was a male-to-female transgender person. I read her story, it brought back what I’d gone through with my friend 20 years ago, and I became very emotional. I was very touched by this minister’s story and how she’d stood up to the church. I immediately clicked with her because of my past experience, and so I probably felt more than I should have for a person who had helped me in this manner. So I kept e-mailing her, and I really longed to meet her in person and hear one of her talks. This hasn’t happened as yet. I probably allowed this to influence me too much, and I decided I wanted to meet other transgender people.

My former attitude I’d adopted, that I know nothing, really came in handy this time. This minister had been married and had children. She had transitioned a bit later in life than my friend 20 years ago. She had a lot more to lose than my friend had. I was glad that I had not made assumptions about the age or family situation of transgender people.

I then did an extremely unusual thing. Transgender people had always come into my life. I decided I would take the initiative and try to meet one. So I started looking through the profiles on AOL. I came across a male-to-female TG who didn’t live too far away. I liked some of the things she said on her home page. She seemed really nice. She had a big picture on her home page of her dressed up to go out to a club. It took me a minute to get used to seeing a male dressed up as a female. But I decided to be brave and e-mail her. I e-mailed her and told her who I was and about some of the transgender people I’d met. She sent me a very nice e-mail back, and it wasn’t long before we became very good friends online.

My attitude that I know nothing served me well with this new friend. It was good that I assumed nothing, or I would have been one confused gal. My new friend had three sons living with her and her girlfriend. They were in an open relationship, and she also saw men. The sons knew, but the public didn’t, so that they would not suffer ridicule. Various family members did or did not know. My friend had to be male at work. She had both a male and female side; she was female online and male on the phone. She felt female mentally but had decided that, realistically, she could not transition at this time. She had taken some steps, taken hormones and stopped them, and was having some hair removal. She had dyed her hair. But usually she dressed female in private or only when she went to a club. She also told me that she probably would never have surgery.

I could have said to myself that this was one crazy, unusual, weird person. What had I gotten myself into? But I remained calm and realized that with all the idiosycracies, this was one of the kindest, most honest, loving, genuine people I’d ever met. This person would give you the shirt or blouse off his or her back! She had a great, gentle, easy-going disposition and a wonderful kooky sense of humor. It would be a great loss in my life to reject this unique dear friend because of her nutty ways, and I have received much fulfillment from my friendship with this friend.

To be continued…

Transgender Friends - Part 4

This is a continuation of the story of my first significant encounter with a transgender person. I posted Part 3 several days ago. As I’ve said in a couple installments, my attitude had to be that I know nothing. One thing I could have mistakenly assumed was that my friend was just a person who could not bear to admit she was a gay male, so she had to go through a gender change and surgery just to live out her dream of being with men.

But since I knew nothing, I assumed nothing about her sexual orientation. In fact, she had had a serious relationship with a woman. I believe the relationship had broken up for several reasons, one of which that her girlfriend was extremely heterosexual and would not be satisfied without intercourse. They had remained friends. But my friend started to talk about being attracted to men. So I was pretty sure she would date men after surgery.

WRONG! Earlier I talked about what it must be like for her to finally be living in the gender she felt she truly was in her mind. Well, at one point, we had a talk about what it had been like for her to live as a male. Naturally, I could never completely understand that myself, never having experienced it. She told me how alienating, how drab, how lonely, how gray her life had been as a male, how she just could not relate to typical heterosexual males. She decided after surgery she wanted no part of that former world, and she decided she was a lesbian.

There probably aren’t many people who don’t understand the feeling of wanting to pick up, leave, and start over in a new city. I think we can all relate to my friend’s feelings in that regard. She wanted to move away from the city in which she’d undergone her gender transition and start over. She moved to a new city and got a new job. She did eventually have a lesbian relationship. She came back to visit. Then she moved to a new city of her choice and found a job there.

I lost touch with her over ten years ago. But the same questions remain. How does she relate to the fact that for 30 some years of her life she was in a male body, and now she is in a female one? Is she out about it or not? If she is out, does she identify as a female, or does she identify as transgender? If she is not out, how does she handle embarrassing questions about her past and present from people she doesn’t know? This too, is something those of us who aren’t transgender can never completely understand.

To be continued…

Latest News

Well, I haven’t been thrown out of the Presbyterian Church yet. Rev. Meek didn’t find out about my behavior after sunset in Round Hill Cemetery on Friday night. I went to church as usual at 6:00 p.m. Saturday. I actually could relate to the sermon. It was the same thing I’d been talking about on my blog a couple days ago. The sermon was about following God without always asking where He is taking you. It was about being able to accept His will sometimes when it doesn’t seem to be exactly what you want, but trusting Him to make the right decision for you. Naturally, I’ve had plenty of experience with this in my life since January.

Last night, I talked to Valerie online. She made it safely home. She began to send me some of the photos we’d taken. She is definitely gifted at photographing ghosts. She had taken a picture of the oldest tombstone in Round Hill Cemetery, 1797. There was a ghost cat right in front of the tombstone. She had two shots of it. Spooky! She had taken random shots around the two cemeteries, and a number of ghosts of cats and dogs appeared in them when processed. Since both of us love cats and dogs, she feels that we attracted their ghosts by our presence.

Valerie is definitely a gift. She is the kookiest, most unique person I’ve ever met. She is very imaginative and very talented. She has the gifts of being a photographer and a web mistress, but since she is so sociable, she is also able to attract people to her web sites. She is also a gifted organizer and is able to organize hundreds of pictures into some logical order in multiple photo albums and on CDs. As a transgender person, she is also talented at putting together an interesting wardrobe. I am very lucky that I went out and found her on the internet and that she was willing to be friends with me. I sure enjoyed her visit.

Today Myra preached at Sixth Presbyterian. She was terrific. The theme of her sermon was poverty and social justice. One very interesting thing she explained to us was how the Israelites had sacrificed children to God, but because of God’s grace, we don’t have to do that anymore. Although God expects us to give our best, He doesn’t expect it to be our first born son! After the service, some people joined an Amnesty International protest against torture which took place at the intersection of Forbes and Murray.

I enjoyed seeing all my friends after church. My favorite person at church is Bobbie. She is an older African-American woman who is slightly handicapped. We’ve gotten to be great friends, and I give her a ride home. I thoroughly enjoy her company. She teases me about liking baseball. She thinks it is simply hilarious that Pedro Martinez is my favorite baseball player. She tells everyone that I am going to force her to go to PNC Park if Pedro pitches against the Pirates. I was telling her, "I know where you live, and Pedro Martinez knows where you live." She thought that was so funny. She says that one of her ancestors was an Ethiopian Jewish slave, so she is of Catholic and Jewish ancestry. She told me how she ended up at Sixth Presbyterian. She said that Sixth Presbyterian Church started to pay attention to her when she was in prison, because a friend at Sixth told them about her. Naturally, she wanted to go there when she was released. She says the church even helped her obtain a hearing aid. She told me, "Every time I go to Sixth Presbyterian, I thank God for bringing that church into my life!" I could relate. Every time I see it up there ahead of me, I thank Erin for rescuing me from cyberspace and finding it for me, I thank Myra for inviting me, and I too thank God for bringing it into my life.

Valerie's Visit

Well, Valerie finally visited us here in Western Pennsylvania. Valerie is not her real name; it has been changed to protect the guilty. It was great to finally meet her in person. She is very sweet and very attractive. What a wardrobe the girl has, and she only brought one percent of it: dresses, skirts, nightgowns, slips, jewelry, and enough make-up to start up her own Avon lady business. We got her a motel room, and I got my exercise for the day just helping her cart her belongings up two flights of stairs. Then we went and hung out by the Youghiogheny River at Cedar Creek Park. I took her on a tour of my jogging routes, and she couldn’t believe it. The car could barely get up the hills. How did I jog up them? Then we went to Eatn’ Park in Monongahela. I showed her the building on the hill above Eatn’ Park and explained that Joe Montana went to high school in that building.

It was dusk when we were through eating. Valerie is well known as a photographer of ghosts, so we were off to Round Hill Cemetery to take pictures of ghosts. I showed her the church I grew up in and still attend Saturday nights. We went to the grave of the two Theodosias, a mother and daughter, where I got my e-mail address. We took pictures with her fancy digital camera, and sure enough, two shadowy figures were floating above the tombstones. This is the very old part of the cemetery from the late 1700’s. We were fantasizing what we would say if Rev. Meek saw us. "Hi, Rev. Meek, meet my transgender friend Valerie. We’re just here hanging out by Theodosia’s grave taking pictures of ghosts!"

Then we went to another spooky late 1700’s Methodist cemetery where my great great great great grandfather, Thomas Thomas, a veteran of the Revolutionary War, is buried. In that day and age, the Methodists were the fire and brimstone fanatics, so the people buried in this section were VERY religious. Anyway, we took a picture of Tommy Thomas’ grave, and there beside it sat a ghost cat. We took the picture over and over, and the cat appeared each time. Then Valerie’s camera went haywire until we moved away. The cat did not appear to the naked eye, only on the processed digital picture.

After that, we went back to the motel room. We had a great time. Valerie showed me her whole wardrobe. I’d seen many of these outfits in pictures. We tried on some things. She got all dressed up and looked great. We took pictures of ourselves in various get ups. We plugged in her laptop and got online. I e-mailed JimmieLee (who thought Valerie would get cold feet and never come), and then we got in the Transland chat. They thought we were totally crazy. Then JimmieLee messaged us, and we were so excited. We each took turns chatting with her until the battery went dead.

This morning, I went back to help Valerie cart her belongings back down to her beloved car. We had some time before checkout, so Valerie and I looked through the pictures we’d taken of me and her. We looked at the picture of Tommy Thomas’ grave, and we couldn’t see the cat, but we could see a gray shadowy smoky image where the cat had been. Valerie also showed me dozens of other pictures of her and a couple web sites she’d started. She is quite the organizer. She has one web site with over 300 members and another one with over 60. I showed her Rev. Erin Swenson’s web site. She threatened to e-mail Erin and tell her the truth about me, which most certainly would get me kicked out of the Presbyterian Church!

We then went out to breakfast. Valerie does have to dress male in public, unfortunately, or at least now she feels she must do that. We joked a lot about bathrooms. When we went to the bathroom on the way out, I asked her which one she was going in, and she said, "Which one am I ALLOWED to go in?" When she is dressed as a male, she is sadder, and has some sad stories about her life to tell. She’s a different person dressed up as female, and is much happier.

I drove her back to her car, and we hugged and hugged good-by. It was sad to see her go, but it’s good we live in the same state. We can always meet each other in Breezewood with very little trouble if we just HAVE to see each other. The time together seemed too short. I’m being very melodramatic here because we e-mail each other, message each other, and talk on the phone all the time. It’s not like she lives in Baghdad! But it was sad to see her go, and I’m so glad she came. We had so much fun!

Gifts From God

We don’t always understand why something God does for us is a gift. Sometimes God does something to us that seems painful; it seems like rejection. Yet it is a gift. The relationship I have with the minister of my childhood church seems very paradoxical, yet it is a gift from God. Probably most of the people I know would read about this and wonder why I have anything to do with this minister or this church. I went to this church throughout my childhood and adolescence. This past January, just after I’d turned 52, I saw an article in the local newspaper. The church was starting a rock and roll Saturday evening service with a band. The intention was to attract people who did not go to church regularly, if at all. It worked for me, and I braved the snow to get there. My minister played the guitar and sang in the band. He is the same minister who visits my mother in the nursing home. He is the minister who talked at my dad’s funeral. I loved the service immediately. I was thrilled to death. I had a church again. I would have a place to go every Saturday night, to sing, to pray, to hear scripture readings, to hear a sermon. I thanked God for this gift.

But the following Saturday at church, God presented me with a gift I would rather not have ever unwrapped. In the program was a homophobic passage criticizing homosexuals, Democrats, liberals, and Ted Kennedy and stating that they all wanted to ban the Bible. I was very hurt and angry, and didn’t know where to turn. How could they tell the newspaper that their service was open to all and that they were seeking to offer a home to those of us who did not attend church regularly? That home obviously was only for conservative Republicans. Gay people, Democrats, and liberals were not welcome. How was I to handle this?

I am so glad I decided to accept this as God’s gift to me. I decided that, as a Christian, I should not reject this gift with anger, but should accept it with love. I decided God did not want me to attack my minister, so I started to talk about my feelings on the internet. God sent the gifts of many different people who supported me. I made many new friends from my posts.

Then, God sent another minister to me as a gift. One particular minister had compassion for me and literally rescued me out of cyberspace. She knew exactly what to do to help me. She sent me an e-mail which stood out above everyone else’s, even though it was very short. Then she sent some letters to other people about me. One of them was a woman minister from Sixth Presbyterian Church of Pittsburgh. This woman--who is also a gift from god, incidentally—wrote to me and invited me to Sixth Presbyterian. I took her up on the invitation, and I’ve been there ever since. I never would have gone to Sixth Presbyterian on my own if the initial minister had not gone to all this trouble.

Anyway, I wanted to find out who this woman was who had helped me. Well, it turned out that she was a transgender minister. Since I had gone through a transition from male to female with a close friend of mine years before, I felt very emotional over this. I read this minister’s story, and I was very impressed with it and became very emotional about it. So I decided I wanted to meet a lot of transgender people, and I started doing that. Now, I have met many new friends. This has been a totally positive experience for me. I also went to a TransFamily of Cleveland meeting. My two best friends to come out of this experience are Valerie and JimmieLee. Valerie is not her real name, since she’s in the closet. JimmieLee is very public, so that’s her real name.

Every time I go to Sixth Presbyterian Church, I am so happy to see it up ahead of me. I’m so happy to see the steps, to see the greeters, to see the inside of the church, to see the section I usually sit in and the other people who sit in the same section. I’m so happy to see the minister and to be at the service. I’m so happy after the service when I socialize with the people I’ve met. I’m happy to see the lesbians and gay men there, being accepted for who they are. I’m happy to speak Russian and French with my friend Svetlana, who doesn’t know English very well. I’m happy for all the other diverse friends I have met. I feel so accepted, and feel I can be myself. I really feel I owe all of this to that transgender minister who found me on the internet and did something about my situation. I don’t know where I’d be now without this church.

I am also so happy for my transgender friends. I feel I owe this also to that minister. However, I have the feeling she might be a little nervous that she’s had such an influence on me. But it’s all been for the best. There are so many mornings when I wake up a little depressed, and I’ve received a long e-mail from Valerie. This e-mail is what helps me cheer up and make it through the day. There are evenings out here in the boondocks when I feel so lonely. Then I get online and JimmieLee IMs me and we chat for awhile, and I don’t feel lonely anymore. Valerie has told me that she is so happy she met me and she values my friendship and needs me. Sometimes, I know I cheer her up when she is depressed about having to be in the closet about the fact that she is a woman in a man’s body. JimmieLee says she values my friendship and that it really helps her when she is at the fire station with other people who harass her and refer to her as "he" and "him" just to annoy her. It helps to talk to me.

This is why I think this transgender minister is truly a very good and positive gift from God to me, and my other transgender friends and especially Valerie and JimmieLee are beautiful gifts from God to me. This shows the strange way in which sometimes God works and blesses us.

However, my conservative minister is also a gift to me from God. I still go to the service at his church every Saturday night. Nothing too offensive has been said since the homophobic paragraph in the bulletin. This minister has a gift from God for music, and he has attracted other gifted musicians around him. I also have the gift of being able to sing. This minister, however, is extremely conservative. I’m sure he believes gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender people are all going to Hell. He probably thinks Democrats and liberals are also going there. But he is a very sweet, loving person too. I went to the church on Palm Sunday evening to see "The Passion of the Christ." He was extremely concerned about me, knowing how emotional I am. He made them give me 20 kleenexes! Then he kept looking back at me to make sure I was okay. So I think God is trying to tell me that in his way, he is a gift to me too. After all, it’s the homophobic things that were said which caused me to meet the transgender minister and then to go to Sixth Presbyterian and also to meet all my transgender friends! So God does have this way of giving the "wrong" gift as well as the right one. Like giving your dad another boring necktie or something like that!

Very early this spring, I was out for a jog out here in the boondocks, over the steep hills that keep me in shape. I was jogging by the farm with the black cows. They had just started giving birth to black calfs. One cute little calf was all black but had a white face. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I stopped and stared at it for a long time. Yesterday, I jogged that same 5 ½-mile route, and at the top of the hill, none of the black cows or calfs were anywhere in sight. There was only one animal there: the little black calf with the white face. There it was all alone, staring at me. At this moment, I KNEW there was a God who loves me, and who has a special gift for me every day. Sometimes the gifts are hard to understand, but usually they are wonderful, beautiful gifts. This gift was so obvious. I was out for my jog, and God decided to make sure my special black calf with the white face was there to greet me, just so I would know He exists and is looking out for me.

Firefighter Tells It Like It Is

My friend JimmieLee Smith had her letter to the editor printed in the Salem News in Ohio on June 19, 2005. They tried to fire her when she transitioned from male to female, but she won a big court decision. Now they are trying to get rid of the whole fire department just to get rid of her! YOU GO GIRL!

Here is what she wrote in Your Side, The Readers Take Over, Firefighter expresses views on proposed joint district:

To the editor:

I am quite sure that by now most citizens have at least heard something about me. My name is JimmieLee Smith. I am the firefighter who sued the City of Salem due to the illegal actions that other city employees were taking against me.

I am writing this letter to express my feelings on the issue of the fire district. I know that there are many people that agree with me about dissolving the City of Salem Fire Department even if they are afraid to stand up and say so. It is my personal opinion that the fire district has nothing to do with financial problems within the city. If it did, perhaps the city council could explain how they suddenly found one million dollars? The city was able to hire a part-time secretary, did not take cost cutting or savings measures elsewhere in the city's departments and are able to negotiate wage increases and savings in other city department contracts. This is not to mention appropriating thousands or hundreds of thousands in attorney fees to do things that could be considered shady at best. Does that sound like financially strapped to you?

There is much misinformation coming out of city hall these past few months. The council says that a firefighter's wages are between $70,000 and $73,000 per year, but that figure starts to increase in an attempt to incite the public and make "their case." To use one councilman's phrase, "Who is doing all the 'spin doctoring?'" Does it sound to you like they are controlling spending when they are willing to expend all of that taxpayers money to try to get them out of the trouble they created?

There are many more questions. When will the city really be in fiscal emergency? At first it was could be within 10 years and now it will be within this year. Are the city managers and fiscal officers so inept that they cannot determine when the city will be bankrupt? Adding insult to injury, the State Election Board stopped our city council from using an arbitrary figure of $600,000 in cost savings (or could it be the $700,000 that was mentioned in court) to the city in their campaign because it could not be substantially proven and was deemed misleading the public. Remember the signs and how fast they dodged the issue once the information was discredited.

I feel this does have to do with the personal biases, petty prejudices and misguided moral ideals of some, if not all, of city council and city administration. Consider that on June 2, 2004, the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals handed down a decision which placed people with Gender Identity Disorder (GID) under the protection of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. On June 16, city council announced their intention to eliminate the fire department and form a Joint Fire District with Perry Township. In my eyes this amounts to a "vendetta." Does anyone need a picture to understand what this vendetta is all about? I personally do not find this very amusing.

Since I took the city to court, and through the courts stopped the city from infringing on my rights, the City of Salem's only alternative was to eliminate the entire fire department. In order to accomplish that goal they could not risk having public opinion go against them. They had to infringe on your constitutional right to vote and repeal the two ordinances that you overwhelmingly voted for to protect the will of the voters. Now, not only are they trying to infringe upon my rights, they are trying to infringe on the rights of every citizen of the City of Salem.

It is my opinion that city officials overwhelmingly proved that they do not care when they directed only fire department personnel to attend the diversity training ordered by the court. Instead of requiring all city employees, as well as the elected officials to attend this training, they only did what the letter of the law demanded, not what the spirit of the law was: to help people that I work with understand the prejudice of people with GID is not appropriate or legal. This demonstrates how the council feels about the law and supports my contention that this administration's track record on discrimination is improper.

It is my understanding that there were several employees who requested to be able to attend this training but were not allowed to do so. Instead of city employees and officials learning about GID and what it involves, they would rather just ignore the issue. The way people see those afficted with GID is not any different from the way that people with cancer were thought of a few decades ago. The same applies to diseases like polio in the days of F.D.R., people born with extra or without certain anatomical body parts, or people born with mental deficiencies. People are always scared of what they do not understand.

The biggest issue is that they seem to be willing to sacrifice the health, safety, and well-being of the city residents to accomplish this end. Not only are they willing to destroy a complete city department, but also risk destroying your entire city, just to satisfy their petty prejudices. Do the words, "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness," -- the very principles on which this country is based upon, mean anything? One of our most famous presidents once stated, "That this nation shall have a new rebirth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Every time government infringes on the rights of any of its citizens, it erodes the very foundation of this great country and especially our right to vote. Every citizen must stand up for every other citizen's rights. Not to do so makes our constitution and laws nothing more than a piece of paper with a bunch of words on it. The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution of the United States, the Gettysburg Address, and other important historical documents proclaiming freedom were not written just to be decorations in a display case somewhere. Millions of soldiers and citizens have fought and died to protect these values and the ideals of these documents. For citizens to stand idly by and let government dictate to them is intolerable. A citizen that turns their back on these concepts and lets government get away with it is just asking for trouble. That is one of the ways that dictatorships are started. Whenever enough people get to the point that they just ignore government, it leaves the door wide open for an individual or group of individuals to take control. It does not have to be a "coup," so to speak; just people too busy to pay attention to what their government is doing. Anyone who is of the attitude that there is nothing that we can do about this situation is sadly mistaken. Whenever a government is seen as out of control and forgets that it is "The People" that they serve, it is time for a change. Denying citizen's rights, violating laws without regard for the public good, lying, hiding facts, misleading, and manipulating our citizens is considered being "out of control."Political favors, conflicts of interest, misdirected governmental influence and collusion are all adverse qualities that we do not want from our politicians. We have laws governing when, where and how they do their jobs and there needs to be accountability to the people that brought them into office. I am sure we can all think of instances of abuse. In my case, I cite them individually because I have a long memory and have been here through many of those times. There are all aspects of politics that we prefer more to not to see or admit to, but they are nonetheless present today.Anyone that is not worried about what their government is doing needs to consider the outcome of their lack of action. It is our community and we need to make our elected officials understand that they work for us, not the other way around.

Respectfully,
JIMMIELEE SMITH
Salem

Transgender Friends - Part 3

This is a continuation of the story of my first significant encounter with a transgender person. This is the third installment. The second one was posted two or three days ago. As I said in my first installment, one attitude I had to adopt was that I know nothing. I had never even thought about the fact that if a man decided to transition to female, body hair would be a big issue. That was one of the first issues that came up between me and my friend. My friend was going regularly for electrolysis. She shared her experiences, and the procedure was very painful. She had to have hair removed from her legs, arms, chest, back, and face. My friend had a great sense of humor, so we decided to joke about it.

People have often asked if I was ever sexually attracted to this friend, and I always answer, "No, I think we were too much alike!" We both loved baseball, although she was a Yankee fan and I was a Red Sox fan. You’re probably amazed we’re still alive to talk about that one. Anyway, we had the same political beliefs as well. We were very leftist politically. At that time, Central America was the hot issue. My friend would get outraged and hop on a soapbox anytime regarding the situation in El Salvador. At that time, there was a notorious death squad leader, Roberto d’Aubuisson, who was responsible for kidnapping, torturing, and murdering thousands of people. We started calling her electrologist Dr. d’Aubuisson. Our private joke was that she was not going for electrolysis but was being tortured for her leftist political beliefs. Every time she went for electrolysis, she’d come back and I’d ask, "How’d your torture session go with Dr. d’Aubuisson?" and she’d crack up. I think this really helped her deal with the pain.

This happened 20 years ago, and one thing I would like to point out is that this was my friend, not someone I was studying. I took the attitude that I would listen and support what she wanted to do. I would not give advice, since I was not an expert on the issue. I would not judge or condemn her. I am sure she took hormones and I observed that she seemed to be doing things by the book. She had to see a shrink, she had to live as a female for a certain period of time. She had a support group and she made friends in her group. Some of them were mean to her and dropped her for no apparent reason. She had no children, she had a good job, and she had a skill she could find employment with as a female just as easily as a male. She was highly educated. Her family lived 3000 miles away. She told her family, although the grandmother was an issue for awhile. It was torture for her to lower her voice, use her male name, and pretend to be a man when her elderly, frail grandmother called. Eventually, she told the grandmother, and the lady took it quite well.

I had my own problems at the time. Lots of them. So when she had surgery, it’s not like I dropped everything and put my life on hold. She took off work, had her surgery, and I was just available if she needed me. After it was over, she described the whole thing and sent out "It’s a Girl" cards. She then battled the insurance company to cover it. I was there as much as I could be. I’m sure I could have done a better job of being a friend, but I’m sure we all can cite many times when we could have been a better friend.

To be continued…

It's not San Francisco, but ...

It’s funny about the things that make you start to fit into a church and really feel happy there. Last week was Sixth Presbyterian’s picnic, and I really didn’t have a very good time. You’d think a picnic would do it, but I felt alienated. Marching in the Pride Parade and staffing the booth there, however, seemed to be what really finalized it for me. I was very happy to see other people besides LGBT people showing up to support what the church is doing. A variety of people showed up too: older people, families, children. I also really got to know the lesbians at the church, and I really like them. In addition, the transgender support booth was next to us, and I saw how well we interacted with them. I was very glad the minister showed up. I chatted with her for awhile, and I feel we understand each other in a way that probably no two other people in the church do—as two liberals who have lived in San Francisco. After chatting with her for a very brief time, I realized that she and I are two particular types of liberals the likes of with Pittsburgh is not familiar. As soon as I told her I had attended Noe Valley Presbyterian Church, she got a knowing look on her face. She knew that I knew what it was like for Presbyterians in San Francisco. She had been an intern at the Seventh Avenue Presbyterian Church. I reminded her that that church is in exactly the same kind of neighborhood as Sixth—Jewish, Russian-speaking. It’s very ironic. Then, of course, anytime you meet someone who has lived in San Francisco, earthquake chat has to make a brief entrance into the conversation. After talking to someone who has experienced Presbyterian life in San Francisco, I thought, well, I don’t have to worry about her!

Today, I felt very happy as I approached the church. I felt happy as I saw the steps. I felt happy walking up them. I felt happy seeing the greeters. I felt happy walking in. I felt happy sitting in my usual section, seeing the usual people, and seeing Bobby walk in, smile, and sit in the same pew. The minister is very angelic looking. I felt happy to see her. I felt happy to look around and see all the lesbians who had been at the parade yesterday. Every time I walk into the church and see it and the people, I have to say "Thank you, Erin" to that minister who rescued me out of cyberspace and found that church for me. I also am always thanking her for all my transgender friends. I don’t know if she feels very comfortable about having influenced me in that way!

It was obvious that I’d done the right thing by staffing the booth. People were impressed with my energy and humor. They felt I had done a great job of advertising the church. I received a lot of compliments and now feel more accepted in the church. I reached out to a variety of people, but I think people did get a kick out of me appealing to transgender people, drag queens, pagans, and even trying to get people’s dogs to take literature! Myra was telling people that I’m a gift! I was kind of wishing she’d mention that to Erin, because I’m wondering if Erin isn’t a little sorry she ever found me out there flailing in cyberspace. Also, the lesbians at church asked me to go to a ballgame at PNC Park. It appears they are trying to take someone who is retiring from the Presbytery to a game, but they can’t get anyone to go, so the lesbians have all agreed to go! I started to think that would be a lot of fun and give me an opportunity for some camaraderie.

After all this transpired, Svetlana showed up. She depends on me to talk to her in Russian and French (she lived in Paris too) because her English isn’t that good. So I talked to her a long time in Russian and French. It was funny trying to explain the Pride Parade and transgender people to her in French and Russian. By the way, homosexuals are referred to as "goluby" or light blue people in Russian!

Well, anyway, it’s not San Francisco at that church, but it’s the next best thing!

Pride Day 2005 in Pittsburgh - Saturday, June 18

I was completely wrong about people at Sixth Presbyterian and people in More Light Presbyterians feeling uncomfortable with me for having a lot of transgender friends. Our church marched in the Pride Parade in Pittsburgh yesterday. Several lesbians and some straight people and children from the church also marched. We had a great time! Our booth was between PNC Park and Heinz Field on the Alleghency. Right across from us was the Point, the fountain, and downtown Pittsburgh. The weather was nice, so it was an absolutely gorgeous view. We passed out literature to many people at the event. Our booth was located right next to the Transgender Support Group. We socialized with them and invited them to our church. They helped us take down our booth at the end of the day. The parade just went off great and it was a totally wonderful event. I feel much closer to the people at the church now and to some of the ones at the event, in particular. I feel a lot better about More Light Presbyterians after participating in this event with the church.

Transgender Friends - Part 2

I’m continuing my discussion (posted two days ago) of my first significant experience with a transgender person, a friend I met at work. One thing I was exposed to early in this relationship was that my friend was the subject of ridicule and harassment. So I had to think about that, what it would be like to be vulnerable to this type of treatment, and I couldn’t imagine how awful it must be. My friend had to deal with peoples’ looks. She had to deal particularly with bathroom harassment. Many women did not want to be in the ladies’ room with someone who still had a penis underneath the clothing. Women would leave the restroom when she walked in, and women would giggle outside the ladies’ room while she was in there.

Another thing to think about is what it must be like to suddenly be living as the gender opposite to the way you lived up until that time. I couldn’t imagine how strange, awkward, exciting—everything it must be to my friend. Most strangers had no idea that my friend had ever been male and was actually still male physically underneath the clothing. Men would flirt with her, thinking she was a genetic female, and she had no experience with this. Women, assuming she was a genetic female, would make remarks you’d only make to another woman—about the menstrual cycle and childbirth, for example, although there are probably a million examples that could be cited. I had a lot of problems with my period, PMS, etc. at that time, and I’d go on and on in front of her, things I would never say to a male. Then I’d think about it later and wonder how she took this, whether I was making her uncomfortable. I’m sure women who did not know would ask her things like if she had trouble with her period, how heavy was her flow, did she have PMS, had she ever been pregnant. I wondered how she handled this. People who did not know probably asked her things about her childhood. Maybe they’d even ask for pictures of her as a child. If she wasn’t out to them, how would she answer? Did women ask at what age she’d gotten her period? Did women ask her how she felt when her breasts were too big for 5th grade but she was too young to wear a bra?

This leads to another thing to think about along these lines. What must it be like for my friend to finally, for the first time in her life, live physically in the same gender she has always felt she is in her mind? I couldn’t even imagine what this might be like. I think of things that I’ve experienced: the first time in my life the Red Sox were World Champions; the first time I went to a gay pride parade with thousands of other people who felt people should be allowed to love someone of the same sex; the first time I chanted in Sanskrit at a Muktananda Center, feeling so familiar, feeling maybe there were past lives; knowing I’d done this before; the first time I entered Quebec and could finally speak French in America. But none of these things could compare with what my friend was experiencing!

To be continued…

Firefighter's Courageous Struggle to be Her True Self

Today I’d like to talk about a friend who has gone public, and she is one gutsy lady! Her name is Jimmie Lee Smith. She is the transgender firefighter from Salem, Ohio who fought and won a major United States Court of Appeals decision which helps all transgender people on the job.

I read two articles about Jimmie Lee. One is on www.gaypeopleschronicle.com written by Eric Resnick on December 25, 2004 and is called Firefighter settles suit that added TGs to 1964 rights law. The other article, on www.clevelandscene.com, was written by Chris Maag on January 19, 2005 and is called Salem Witch Hunt. Jimmie Lee was born male but always felt like a female emotionally, and before transitioning "he" talked in a high voice, had a female walk, and female mannerisms. "He" tried for many years to suppress the feminine side, but this caused "him" to have a drinking problem and to feel depressed and suicidal.

Several years ago, Jimmie Lee realized that she could no longer suppress her true self. Even though she was a firefighter in a small, conservative town, she realized that she had to come out as female. She had the guts to insist on being her true self even in this conservative, macho environment.

When Jimmie Lee came out as female, life at the fire department became very uncomfortable. Other people would leave the room when she entered, the guys told lots of gay jokes. When she told her bosses about the situation, a secret meeting was held to plan how to fire her. One of the participants, Hank Willard, warned Jimmie Lee of the plot. She hired transgender attorney Randi Barnabee who immediately worked to protect her rights and save her job.

Jimmie Lee sued, and this eventually led to a settlement allowing her to keep her job. The decision by the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals followed the reasoning in the case Price Waterhouse v. Hopkins, in which a woman was denied a promotion because she was too masculine. The Court said that the 1964 Civil Rights Act applied to transgender people because Jimmie Lee was being discriminated against on the basis of her gender and assumptions about how men are supposed to act. It is gender discrimination to expect a man or a woman to behave and look according to a particular stereotype.

Jimmie Lee still works at her job and she is completely out as a female in Salem. She endures a lot of harassment and stares in such a small conservative town and is very brave to be true to herself instead of trying to hide. This makes life very hard for her wife Ellie as well. Both of them are courageous women!

Now the City of Salem has come up with a new way to get rid of Jimmie Lee legally. They are trying to disband and get rid of the fire department altogether! But Jimmie Lee is not giving up and is working hard to save the department and her fellow firefighters’ jobs.

Transgender Friends - Part 1

Okay, I promised to start writing about my transgender friends on my blog, so here goes. When I decided to start reaching out to transgender people early in 2005, I had a philosophy on how I would approach it. I think part of this philosophy became developed during my friendship 20 years ago with my dear friend who transitioned from male to female and had surgery.

I guess the first thing I would say is that, since I am not transgender, I know nothing. So I had to be totally open. I don’t know what it’s like to feel that I am one gender emotionally and the other gender physically. I really will never be able to experience that myself. I have to realize that I’m with someone who experiences something I will never be quite able to relate to. That also gives me a lot of compassion when I think about it, because I can’t imagine how awful it must be to feel that you are one sex in your mind, but your body is the opposite sex. I can’t imagine how awful it must feel to have to get up in the morning and pretend to the world that you are something totally different from who you actually are. All of us have to pretend to some extent. Some people have to hide their sexual orientation. I certainly have to hide a lot of my views on things when I go to work, for example. I often have to dress in ways I would never willingly dress. I am very feminine in appearance, and when I dress femme, it’s hippy clothes. Not all workplaces will allow you to wear hippy clothing. I feel totally weird in business clothing. But this all pales in comparison to what it’s like to wake up female in the morning and know you have to go out into the world pretending to be male (or a male having to pretend to be female). Sometimes it’s good just to think for a minute how awful this must feel, and that you never have to go through this, but your friend, spouse, or family member has to.

Another thing about knowing nothing: when I met my first friend, I had to realize that I knew nothing about how one changes one’s gender. I’ll concentrate on this friend for today then continue this discussion in my next segment. The first thing I noticed about my first transgender friend was that she was already living as a woman. I had not known her as a male. She had changed her name to a name that either a male or female could use. She had longer hair. She wore female clothes, and she tried to talk in a higher voice. She passed very well, so to me she was female. It was hard to think that under the clothing, she still had a male body and male genitals. I found it very easy to just accept her as female and talk to her like one of the girls. However, there could always have been the possibility that I’d see her without her clothing—which never happened—but I always wonder how weird it would have been for me.

To be continued….

Perplexing Presbyterian Paradox

I haven’t posted for awhile, in part, because I have again been trying to work out my problems with the Presbyterian Church. My great grandparents, my grandfather, my parents, and I, grew up in the Presbyterian Church. I went to Round Hill Presbyterian Church in Elizabeth until I went away to college in Boston. I often visited Round Hill when I was home from other places I lived, or for family events once I moved back to the area. At one point, I even attended a very radical Presbyterian Church in San Francisco. On Gay Pride Day, Janie Spahr came to preach there, and the whole congregation followed her down to the parade.

In January, I started going back to Round Hill. Rev. Meek started a Saturday night service with a rock band. He plays in the band. I love the service, and I still attend regularly. On one occasion, something very offensive to me (and homophobic) appeared in the program. Being a loving Christian lady, I did not want to attack anyone, and I dealt with it by posting my feelings about it on the internet. Since that time, nothing further offensive has been said at Round Hill, so I still attend.

I met many wonderful, helpful people because of my posts. One person in particular, Rev. Erin Swenson, decided to really do something about my problem. She e-mailed me and then e-mailed several of her friends in an attempt to resolve my situation. That worked. A friend of hers e-mailed me and invited me to the Sixth Presbyterian Church of Pittsburgh. I went, I loved the church, which is a More Light Presbyterian Church. Now I’m going to both churches, and I would like to join Sixth.

One complication got in the way of all this, however, and it’s a big one. I wasn’t at all sure who Erin was, so I logged onto her web site and it said, "Transgender Presbyterian Minister." Anyway, I had gone through a gender change with a dear friend of mine about 20 years ago, so this made a huge impression on me. I read Erin’s story and was very impressed with it and got very emotional about it. The way this ended up affecting me is that I decided I wanted to meet a lot of transgender people.

Well, the first thing I did was look through profiles on the computer, find someone I wanted to meet, and contact her. That is my dear friend "Valerie" whom I’ve written about several times on my blog. I really picked the right person in contacting her, and she’s been a great friend. Then I joined the TransFamily of Cleveland message board and went to their meeting. This resulted in my meeting a ton of transgender friends. I have met all kinds of people, in all kinds of relationships, in various stages of being transgender. Maybe I’ll try to write more about them on my blog.

Meanwhile, I joined More Light Presbyterians. This has all been an emotional roller coaster, because, ironically, I think the Presbyterian Church itself is more ready for someone like me than MLP is! This is pretty strange. One of their top leaders is a transgender minister, but they aren’t ready for me. I feel that the gay and lesbian people who are members of MLP are very uncomfortable with me. I don’t think they can deal with someone who just wants to make a lot of transgender friends and hang out with them. I feel this at Sixth Presbyterian, that they are just uncomfortable around me.

I am supposed to work on joining Sixth Presbyterian on July 10. I already told the minister I would be at the class. Another thing I have found out through all this is that I do like to go to church. I like going to Round Hill. I like Sixth Presbyterian’s service. Going to these services helps me, gives me time with God, gives me time to pray, confess my sins, hear scriptures, sing, love the people around me, want to serve God in my way. It makes me a better person and an easier person to live with in many ways. But I don’t know if Sixth Presbyterian, even though it is a More Light church, is ready for someone like me who has so many transgender friends. I’m not sure how open to be about this at church or whether it’s time for me to just go to the service and hang back on socializing. I have some sense that I would be more accepted by the straight people at Sixth Presbyterian than I would at MLP. In fact, I’m beginning to believe MLP is the last Presbyterians who will accept me. Who knows, maybe even Round Hill would be more accepting!

Conclusion: Maybe the Presbyterian Church is ready for me. Maybe. Maybe not. But More Light Presbyterians is definitely NOT ready for someone like me!